Friday

"Theater Tricks"

Guest Star Fisher Stevens
This week on Law & Order SVU, the show opens on a fantasy sex club/play ala Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut with full face gold animal masks for the male patrons for maximum anonymity, and only the barest of coverings for the female patrons.  Double standards for men and women?  Nothing new there.   A supposedly simulated rape turns out to be real.  Again, no surprises there.  After the performance, Ted Scott (Fisher Stevens), the director of the ‘play’ walks over to the ‘actress’ only to find her dazed and obviously worked over.  Cut to Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) and ADA Alex Cabot (Stephanie March) just finishing up a girl’s night out.  They comment on how much fun they had ice skating.  The relationship feels forced.  The comments do not ring true.  Benson's cell phone rings.  I’m glad that’s over with.  Cut back to the ‘play’ where the director tries to explain to Benson his S&M act is really ‘Immersive Theatre’.  Turns out, the ‘actress’ Meghan Weller (Jenn Proske), was attacked on stage, with the whole audience watching.  Nobody called the police, because everyone thought it was part of the show.  Cue the theme music.   

This is not a summary of the episode; it is a recap of the five best moments of the show.  Here’s the countdown to the Five Best Moments of the Show.

#5 Best Moment of the Show.   Benson interviews Meghan, the victim who thinks she was acting in ‘Dante’s Inferno’, the interactive play where the audience walks through all nine circles of Dante’s Hell.   Meghan’s scene was played out in ‘Lust’.   All Meghan can say was he was wearing a goat mask.  “Someone else held my wrist.  He was wearing a hawk mask.  I just moved here six months ago from Hennepin, Minnesota.  This is the first play I auditioned for.”   What a cliché!   Why do small town girls with big city dreams keep moving to New York City?  Oh right, that’s where they shoot Law & Order SVU.

#4 Best Moment of the Show.  After Meghan’s interview, Amanda Rollins (Kelli Giddish) sums it all up, “Small town girl moves to the city.  She gets raped.  The audience applauses.”   Captain Craigen (Dann Florek) quips, “This is why the NEA was gutted.”  Me thinks he speaks the truth.

#3 Best Moment of the Show.  The trace of all the credit cards used to purchase show tickets leads the detectives to Jason Roberts (Adam Driver)’s apartment.  Three guesses who has the walls of his room covered with Meghan’s photos?  Ding Ding Ding.  That’s right.  Turns out, Jason Roberts, Meghan’s IT guy, has a live web cam installed in Meghan’s bedroom, shower, living room, etc.  You know, typical Class A Stalker moves.   He has had Meghan under 24 hour surveillance for “security” purposes for months.  But he’s not the perp!  There is someone else sicker than he is!!!   Another red herring leads the detectives to Judge Gerald Crane (Kevin Pollak), who admits to being in the play, and assaulting Meghan.   But he’s not the perp either!  There is someone else who set him up and is sicker than he is!!!

#2 Best Moment of the Show.   The resident techie, Leo Gerber, (Gilbert Gottfried) and the person of interest, Jason Roberts, sit side by side with their laptops.  It’s obvious some tech fun will ensue.  Jason proofs his innocence by bringing up web cam footage of him during the times emails were sent via Meghan’s fake ‘Sugar Babies’ web account.  He is seen giving his mother a foot massage.  That’s when Gilbert Gottfried jumps in, “What kind of camera is that?  Is that a motion activated camera?”  “It’s custom installed night vision.”  “ Motion activated is terrific, until she gets a cat.”  It’s obvious he’s stalked before.  Priceless.

Finally, the #1 Best Moment of the Show.  All the clues lead to Meghan’s ugly roommate, Holly Schneider (Gayle Rankin), who sets Meghan up due to her jealousy.  Rollins gets her to break by saying, “I get it.  I’m from a small town too.  I think I come up here, my life’s going to change.”  Holly loses it, “You don’t get it.  You’re just like Meghan.  Guys show up to help her.  It was my audition.  She just came to help me run lines.  As soon as Ted saw her, he wanted her, and you didn’t say no.  Do you know what I had to do for that audition?   I am so tired to be the ugly duckling.  I wanted you to know what it felt like to be dirty and used, to have to give it up.  It’s about time something bad happened in your life, don’t you think?"  The abusee becomes the abuser.   Rollins closes the scene, “All those abusive men in Meghan’s life, and she was betrayed by a woman.” 

Next week on Law & Order SVU, Harry Connick Jr. joins the force as David Hayden.  SVU will never be the same again.  It’s obvious Benson and he hit it off.  They share a kiss in the last shot.

"Spiraling Down"

Guest Star Treat Williams
This week on Law & Order SVU, the show opens on a white girl and a black boy in bed.  The boy gives the girl a present; it’s a piece of jewelry.  She breaks into a big smile.  She’s obviously in love.  The next scene, a man walks into the apartment with a pair of hot pink platform pumps in a shoe box.  The girl adores the pumps and can’t wait to try them on.  The black boy asks the man, Marcus, “How much?”  Marcus puts up five fingers.  “Oh no way,” says the boy, “take those shoes off.”  Marcus chimes in, “Maybe we can work something out.”  Marcus starts kissing the girl.  The girl tries to pull away.  The boy stops her, “Come on baby, it’s Marcus.”  We all know how this is going to go.  The next scene we see a John walking out of a hotel room, complaining to the black boy, “She’s crying.  Give me my money back.”  The boy walks back into the hotel room; the girl says she doesn’t want to do it anymore.  There’s a scuffle.  She hits him.  He goes to the bathroom to see to his wound.  She uses her cell phone to call her dad.  Cue the theme music.

The girl’s dad walks into the squad room looking for Detective Nick Amaro (Danny Pino).  “My daughter Vicki.  She’s in trouble.  I’m Captain Haines.  I served with your wife in Baghdad.  My daughter Vicki is only 14.  You have a daughter.  You have to find her. 

This is not a summary of the episode; it is a recap of the five best moments of the show.  Here’s the countdown to the Five Best Moments of the Show.

#5 Best Moment of the Show.   The cop finds Vicki in the hotel room where she turns tricks.  But she doesn’t want to leave.  “Vicki, your dad wants you to come home.”  “No, I’m not leaving.”  The cops arrest her pimp, Trey, who is cocky as all get out, “She won’t talk.  I own that bitch.”  Finally, the cops figure out a guy like that’s got to have something on the side.  “Let’s check him out online.”   They find a photo of Trey’s real family, to include two children in Brooklyn.  They show the photo to Vicki.  “I guess Trey never told you about his baby momma.”  That finally gets Vicki to break her brain washing.

#4 Best Moment of the Show.  The cops decide to hold a sting to catch all the Johns, when who walks in but the famous ex-football star Jake Stanton (Treat Williams).  He’s all talk when the cops raid him.  The next thing we know, Stanton is holding court in the squad room, reliving his finest hour.  Jake looks at his wallet and sees the note reminding him to call his wife.  “Oh, I’m supposed to call my wife.  Got me on a short leash.  I know what she’s gonna say.  The same thing she always says, “Get a lawyer!”  Looks like this melodrama has been played out before.   

#3 Best Moment of the Show.  Jake’s wife lays it all out for the cops.  “Jake has taken too many knocks to the head during his quarterback days.  The MRI is inconclusive.  There is no treatment.  All the doctor says is don’t let him out of my sight.  We’re broke.  He handled the finances until this year.  There is nothing left.  I can’t even get a lawyer to come down to help us.  He says we’re going to have to use a public defender.”  The wife tries to hold it together.  She fails.  She burst into tears.  This is when Benson reaches into her desk and pulls out a business card, “He’s a friend”.  This is a first.  The arresting officer refers the defendant to a lawyer, Bayard Ellis (Andre Braugher).

#2 Best Moment of the Show.   Amaro is Skyping his wife, Maria.  She asks about Jason, her military buddy.  Amaro has doubts about his wife and Jason’s relationship.  He thinks they may be having an affair.  “He’s a good dad.  I’m glad you can help him out.  Thanks for doing this for me.”  Amaro pushes, “I never heard of this guy until he showed up.”  The wife pushes right back, “I hate this call.  I think we’re having a conversation, turns out you’re interrogating me.”  Looks like there’s trouble in paradise.

Finally, the #1 Best Moment of the Show.  Stanton is on the stand.  He admits to prostitution.  His mind keeps flipping back to his quarterback glory days.  His lawyer asks him three times, “How many years have you been married?”  Stanton produces three different answers.  It’s obvious even to him that he’s lost his mind.  “Do you know where you are Jake?”  “Please, stop.  I’m very tired.  I just want to go home.”  He’s lost it.  It’s painful to watch.  Outside the courtroom the crowd gathers around Stanton, asking him to relive his glory days, even the cops.  Stanton can’t take it anymore.  He sees an opportunity to take the cops gun.  He does.  He points it at himself and pulls the trigger.  It’s over.  His wife screams.  Ellison is in shock.  Amaro calls it in.  It’s all over for Jake Stanton, football hero.

Next week on Law & Order SVU, a playact goes horribly wrong, with the entire audience watching; yet nobody calls the cops.  Whose fault is that?